Pam Halter
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Parents Blog

I Confess
3/17/2014 8:11:55 AM by: pam

Today's blog post is going to be really honest and raw. Please don't think less of me when you read it.

Last week, Anna was home sick from program because she caught that 24 hour stomach bug that's been going around our area. I'm thankful she only threw up a few times and then stopped. Usually, when Anna is sick to her stomach, she can't stop and we end up in the hospital.

Okay, everyone who has been following this blog, or people who know me, know I don't like having a special needs child. It's not a blessing to me like it is for many parents. I'm tired and stressed and terribly frightened of the future. I often wonder what life would be like if God took Anna.

I confess I sometimes wish it would happen. In fact, I do pray He would take her before He takes me or before I can't take care of her anymore. I can't imagine Anna looking for me and asking for me and I'll never be there again for her.

I confess I often think I wouldn't grieve if she died. I believe I would feel relieved, for the most part. She affects every part of my life, mostly on the negative side. I often think how much I want my life back.

I confess I hate myself for feeling that way. But I'm scared to death of feeling the opposite, because then, if she would die before me, the pain would be too great to handle.

However, on Wednesday, I was at the computer and I realized I wasn't hearing any babbling, so I looked over and she was face down on the floor. I jumped up and lifted her head.  Her eyes were wide open and she was stiff and tremoring – a tonic seizure – and she wasn't breathing. My reaction was immediate. I shouted for Daryl, "She's not breathing! She's not breathing!" and Daryl ran over and we rolled her over. Now, I know CPR, but in that instant, I totally blanked. We leaned over to listen when she suddenly drew a breath.

I cried.

I was terrified she would die right there on my living room floor. That I wouldn't be able to save her. That she would be gone. Forever.

I confess I was shocked to have this revelation! And a little relieved to know I'm a human mommy, after all. I do feel the love I should feel for my child. I'm not the bad mommy I believed I was.

Am I still stressed and frustrated? Sure. Is it now a blessing? Heck, no! But I'm looking at Anna with different eyes. I still pray she would not have to live without me. But I'm thankful God brought me this revelation. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my mind.

I confess I have slipped into my old thinking a couple of times, but mostly, I'm happy to wait on what God determines for me and Anna. And I'm happy to confess, I love my daughter a little differently now.

What do you have to confess? What are you struggling with? Believe me, I understand and I will pray for you. I hope you will contact me if you need to talk.


Comments

pam From At 3/24/2014 7:25:11 AM

Thanks, Susan. I blog these things so people WILL understand. And so that other parents won't feel alone. But we all struggle with our kids some days, don't we? No matter if they have a disability or not. It's just part of being a parent.

Susan From Home of the Little League World Series At 3/24/2014 7:14:08 AM

Your right Pam, it doesn't feel like a blessing most days, but it's love that drives us to keep going. There are many who don't understand what it is like to have a child who needs extra love and attention and those who are too afraid to speak out about their feelings. I'm glad you shared.

Laraine From Fairton, NJ At 3/17/2014 12:53:19 PM

Pam, I have always admired you and Daryl for what you do for Anna. You are a very special woman and God does watch over us and not give us more than we can handle. I guess that is why I never had a special needs child. God bless you and your family. Love Laraine

Loraine Kemp From Canada At 3/17/2014 12:25:00 PM

Pam, I'm humbled and amazed at your openness and honesty. You help others who have the same feelings but can't verbalize them for whatever reason. You ARE a good mom, and God loves you so much for all you do and say. Hugs!!

pam From At 3/17/2014 11:49:56 AM

Yeah, it's not always comfortable when God opens our eyes, but I'm thankful.

Susan From Chalfont, Pa At 3/17/2014 11:45:34 AM

Pammy, that must have been so hard to write but what you're going through is a help to those who are struggling. The frustrations faced daily can be so overwhelming. God opens our eyes in so many ways. It doesn't make it easy, but He keeps showing us how to depend on Him daily. Hugs!

pam From At 3/17/2014 11:22:52 AM

Thanks for that saying and thanks for always encouraging me!

Julie From Gettysburg, PA At 3/17/2014 9:24:13 AM

Your honesty is very much appreciated because you admit to things that others would be afraid to say, but actually do feel. You help others to feel human. I remember a saying I used to have on my mirror: Thinking and feeling are not the same as saying and doing.

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