Pam Halter
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Things I've Learned - part four
4/22/2013 6:51:41 AM by: pam

The things I've learned are not always things that make me feel good. Today is one of those days.

I’ve learned I am selfish. Anna requires a tremendous amount of care and is a constant source of concern. I am often annoyed if I have to stop doing something to take care of Anna’s needs. She can have several seizures in a twenty-four hour period. She takes medicine three times a day. She can’t dress herself, brush her teeth or hair, tie her shoes, fix a meal or snack, take herself to the bathroom, and absolutely cannot be left in the backyard by herself.

Anna is almost 22-years old, but functions at about 18 months. I've had a toddler for 20 years! I'm tired of doing everything for her. I'm tired of worrying about the future. Tired of not getting a good night's sleep. Of listening to her almost constant babbling and repeated words. Of her many demands. The very second we sit down to a hot meal, she has to go to the bathroom. Seriously! We have to turn up the TV too loud because she always, ALWAYS has to have a video playing, even if she doesn't watch it. I can't make a single plan without taking her care into consideration.

Autism does not understand anyone else’s needs, wants, feelings or desires. It is totally self-absorbed. I know all this, and Anna can’t help it, yet I continue to struggle inside.

And you know what I'm the most sick of? Myself. Yes, I've learned I'm incredibly selfish and I'm not proud of it. It's a daily battle with some victories, but mostly, I'm losing this war. It makes me thankful Anna doesn't notice. But it doesn't make it right.

Anyone else out there with me?


Comments

pam From At 4/23/2013 2:40:43 PM

Yep - I am so there with you, Julie!

Julie Ann Monzi From Gettysburg, PA At 4/23/2013 12:14:36 PM

I feel like crap when I've become impatient with Abigail, and she'll come over to me and say, ""Let me rub your shoulders. It'll make you feel better."" No, actually, it makes me feel like the worst mother alive, my sweet daughter.

pam From At 4/23/2013 7:48:12 AM

Makes you really thankful God isn't selfish, doesn't it? He's always patient with me. Always takes care of me. Always loves me.

Terri From www.heartsinservice.blogspot.com At 4/23/2013 7:28:49 AM

Oh Pam! This made me teary because I feel the same way at times and I don't face even 3/4 of what you face. Caring for a child with special needs can be absolutely exhausting and I've learned how selfish I really can be!

Carolyn Ruch From Hatfield, PA At 4/22/2013 7:16:38 AM

I said out loud the other day, ""I'm tired of hurting."" You hurt more with a child with needs. When they are rejected, which is often, you feel it. When someone uses them to their advantage, you feel it. I feel it with my typically developing kids, but with my daughter, it's continual. Tired.

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