Comparisons

Comparisons
Monday, March 18, 2013 by pam

Comparisons are hard. They are the enemy. I hate doing it, but I always do. I often look at families with "normal" children and think they have it sooo easy. Then I look at families with children who are more disabled than Anna and I think I should feel blessed. But I don't.

I spent the day last week at Anna's program. We baked Irish soda bread in the morning and did crafts in the afternoon. I couldn’t help but compare Anna to her friends. In some ways, she's "better" than the others. In some ways, she's not. I left feeling conflicted, even though we had a good day and the kids seemed to enjoy having me there.

Comparing wreaks havoc on my emotional system. It stirs up emotions that make me feel ugly, inadequate, frustrated, and unchristian. It leaves me discontented. I walk around the house grumbling to myself and grumbling to God.

"Why did You chose this for me?"
"Wasn't autism enough? She has to have seizures, too?"
"Couldn't I serve You better if I didn't have to take care of Anna?"
"Do I really have to do this for the rest of my life?"
"Don't You love me?"
"So and so really seems to love being the parent of a special needs child. Are they for real?"

And the worst: "Why doesn't so and so take the same care with their child as I do with Anna?"

A friend reminded me of John 21:21-22 When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?" Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

Talk about being in your face.

So, what the heck do we do when we want to compare ourselves with others? I can only answer for myself. I have to be aware of my thoughts. I have to force myself to stop comparing. I have to focus on myself and keep my eyes on the Lord. We all have our own burdens and problems, right? I always say it doesn't matter the source – the emotions feel the same. Worry is worry. Sorrow is sorrow. Anger is anger. Frustration is frustration. Joy, pain, sadness, guilt. They feel the same to each one of us, no matter what causes them. And we all react to them differently. So, I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else. I just wish it wasn't so hard some days.

Comments

pam From At 3/25/2013 5:26:59 AM

Thanks, MaryAnn!

MaryAnn Diorio From New Jersey At 3/24/2013 6:01:58 PM

Thanks for your authentic post, Pam. One of the qualities I love most about you is your authenticity.

Jenny From PA At 3/19/2013 6:03:52 PM

pam From At 3/18/2013 7:19:39 PM

I totally hear that, Donna! I don't begrudge anyone bragging about their child - I have a daughter and son I'm so proud of - but some days, I can't bear comparing Anna to other kids. Even her brother and sister.

Donna From Oregon At 3/18/2013 3:22:23 PM

I've blocked friends from showing up in my Facebook feed because their constant descriptions of their perfect kids are more than I can bear at times. I remind myself that God gave me this specific child because he needs me, specifically, to be his mom. It helps.

pam From At 3/18/2013 9:14:57 AM

Me, too, Julie. I constantly wonder what Anna would be doing. If she would be friends with Mary. What career she would have chosen. I'm so supportive of all my children (and grandchildren) and so many parents aren't. I compare that, too. I'm a wretch!

Julie Ann Monzi From Gettysburg At 3/18/2013 8:51:50 AM

I find I get irritated when people complain about their ""typical"" kids. Then there are days I fantasize about what life would be like if my kids were typical. Abigail would be in her 2nd year of college right now. Probably dating someone. I allow myself a few moments and then stop.